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(Hey, if we can't laugh at ourselves, who can we laugh at?)
Field Guide to Ad Lingo
(Just a thought... why does so much of this seem to apply to Dyson vacuum cleaners?)
- NEW: Different color from previous design.
- ALL NEW: Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.
- NEW & COMPLETELY DIFFERENT: Now sourced from China instead of the US.
- EXCLUSIVE: Imported product.
- UNMATCHED: Almost as good as the competition.
- FOOLPROOF OPERATION: No provision for adjustments.
- ADVANCED DESIGN: The advertising agency doesn't understand it.
- LIMITED OFFER: We need to get rid of these last two pallets of this junk.
- NOT AVAILABLE IN STORES: We hope you're dumber than store buyers.
- IT'S HERE AT LAST: Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming.
- LIGHTWEIGHT: Flimsy.
- FREE ESTIMATES: As required by law almost everywhere.
- FIELD TESTED: Manufacturer lacks test equipment.
- HIGH ACCURACY: Unit on which all parts fit.
- FUTURISTIC: No other reason why it looks the way it does.
- AS SEEN ON TV: Useless but flashy.
- REDESIGNED: Previous flaws fixed - we hope.
- NEW VERSION: All previous flaws fixed - we hope.
- DIRECT SALES ONLY: Factory had a big argument with distributor.
- ISO 9001: We don't know what this means, either.
- FEATURE: A bug the programmers couldn't get rid of.
- QUALITY ASSURANCE: Compiles... first screen comes up... ship it.
- YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT: We finally got one to work.
- BREAKTHROUGH: We finally figured out a use for it.
- MAINTENANCE FREE: Impossible to fix.
- MEETS ALL STANDARDS: Ours, not yours.
- HIGH RELIABILITY: We made it work long enough to ship it.
You've Been in Graphic Design Too Long When...
- You’ve almost rear-ended the car in front of you because you were analyzing a font on a billboard.
- You’d rather study the pattern on your boyfriend/girlfriend’s shirt than listen to what he/she has to say.
- You’ve learned your lesson and stopped using the word “final” in any file name when saving.
- You clean your keyboard more often than you wash your car.
- You’ve given up trying to explain your projects to non-designers.
- You’ve actually paid for a font.
- Just the phrase “PC vs. Mac” can make you leave work for the day with a migraine.
- You outline the empty areas on comps and label them “white space” for the client's benefit.
- You get very good at statements beginning, “Yes, we could fit that in, but...”
- You describe colors by Pantone number.
- You can’t go to a restaurant without secretly critiquing the menu design.
- You can tell what software was used to compose a page.
- You think it's funny that Adobe means molded out of mud.
- You have an amazingly large font collection, and an amazingly short temper.
- If you had a penny for every mouse click, you would have been a billionaire 10 years ago.
- You remember that this was all once done without computers.
- ...You wish you were doing it without computers.
Explaining Things to a New Generation
- Blank Reg: Here, take this.
Girl: What's that?
Reg: It's a book!
Girl: What's that?
Reg: Okay... it's a nonvolatile random-access memory storage unit. Very rare. Everyone should have one.
Girl: For what?
(Probably the same girl who doesn't understand why Humphrey Bogart didn't just call for help on his cel phone.)
Instructing the Customer (aka There Are Lawyers in the House)
- On an hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
- On a bag of potato chips:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
- On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
- On a frozen dinner:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
- On a hotel-provided shower cap:
Fits one head.
- Printed on the bottom of a packaged dessert:
Do not turn upside down.
- On the same dessert:
Product may be hot after heating.
- On packaging for an iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
- On a bottle of children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate heavy machinery.
- On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: May cause drowsiness.
- On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
- On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
- On a package of peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
- On another package of peanuts: Remove shells before consuming nutmeats.
- On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
- On a chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
- On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
- On a cheap hammer: Do not use to strike hard objects.
Spottings (All Real!)
- On a construction truck: QUALITY FREE ESTIMATES
- On the sign of The Brake Shoppe, Arden Way, ca. 1980: INTEGRITY IS OUR SERVICE
- Bumper sticker ca. 1990: WELCOME TO CALIFORNIA. WHEN YOU LEAVE, TAKE JESUS WITH YOU.
- Business name, with 3-letter logo: AIR SYSTEMS of SACRAMENTO
- Another business name: ASSURED SHREDDING SYSTEMS
- Big O Tires sign, at night, with unfortunate wiring problems: BigOT
A Sight to See